UTOPIA: Series Premiere Power Rankings!

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FINALLY! The event we have all been waiting for, the 2-hour series premiere of the FOX series Utopia, took place last Sunday evening. Let me just say… WOW! This is unlike anything I could have ever expected out of a reality show. Drama, nudity, fights, drunks, dead chickens, radishes: this show has it all, from day ONE! (Big Brother, take it as a tip and learn from it!) Even though the show just finished its second episode on TV, the feeds have been live for nearly two weeks. That’s right! The feeds (which you can get for free here) fired up BEFORE the show! Another step in the right direction for 24/7 reality production. The feeds, right from the very start, have been so entertaining and dramatic. I’m not going to get into those details here. That’s TV Tater’s job. Be sure to check his recaps out here!

What I am going to be doing is ranking our Utopians based on different things after the episodes air on TV. Different factors play into how they are ranked: likability, personality, drama and whatever else I feel like. This is my blog and what I say goes! *evil smirk*

AARON: First up is Aaron, our resident “food” guy. He is the established cook of the group and takes on the task of planning out needed groceries. (+15 points) However, he put radishes on the list. Like Dave, I hate radishes, so I am taking off points for that. (-5 points) I did like how he stood up to Red and didn’t let that half-pint hothead get the best of him. (+10 points) He shut Red right up! Aaron is gonna be able to hold his own and won’t back down. I like that.

Total: 20 points

AMANDA: I will admit that it was pretty brave and bold of Amanda to come on Utopia as a pregnant woman, knowing the risks she would be taking as well as the potential rewards of having a child born in Utopia. (+15 points) Amanda said early on that she was going to try and keep this a secret as long as possible. I totally called it and said she wouldn’t be able to. Sure enough, in the first episode, she tells the whole group her big “secret.” (-5 points) Beyond this, Amanda hasn’t really done much or caused any drama for the group. To me, she’s been kind of a bore so far. I’ll start taking off points for people be boring, so she better step it up!

Total: 10 points

BELLA: This. Woman. Is. Crazy. And not the regular kind of crazy that’s kind of cute and charming. I mean Bella is B.S.C. (+40 points for the psycho drama) For someone that is supposed to be skilled at preparing for the worst case scenario, she sure does accomplish very little. For God’s sake, the woman keeps stressing out the chickens and they won’t be able to lay eggs! (-10 points) She also tends to talk to herself quite a bit and I am pretty sure she wandered into the Utopian confines after escaping a high-security mental facility. (-10 points) I will go ahead and admit that I don’t like Bella. But she is one of those types that you love to hate. She really brings the crazy and the drama. I look forward to seeing what kind of psychotic stuff she does in the future. I also wonder how long it will be before she winds up in a padded cell wearing a straight jacket after her stint on Utopia.

Total: 20 points

BRI: Bri has probably been the quietest so far out of all the Utopians. However, she did tell Bella that her crazy methods of working with chickens was the reason they weren’t laying eggs. (+10 points) She also gave the huntress Hex a topless hairwashing. (+15 points) Bri is involved in Utopia’s first ever showmance… with Chris. (-10 points because I hate that I just used the word “showmance.”)

Total: 15 points

CHRIS: Chris has also been pretty quiet in comparison to the others. However, he has his this cute look about him (+15 points) as well as the fact that he is a musician. (+10 points) There was also a pleasant “slip” on the live feeds. (+10 points) To be fair, I have to deduct for him as well for being in a showmance, because I hate showmances as a general rule. (-10 points) While I really kinda like this guy, he is also going to have to step up a little bit and bring some more to the table. I’m not going to be as nice to the ones who don’t offer something in the way of entertainment, drama or helpfulness to the Utopian society.

Total: 25 points

DAVE: Dave is was a very explosive personality as a former (future?) convict. He got into utopia_DAVE_quitter.jpgnumerous disputes with other pioneers and was a good source of drama. (+15 points) He didn’t like the thought of radishes being on the grocery list and was adamantly opposed to them, and got very heated because he wanted ramen noodles instead. (+5 points) However, we all know that Dave walked away from Utopia. That is weak sauce and just proves he isn’t willing to make a new name for himself. (-20 points) Quitters automatically lose in the power rankings. Every time. See ya never, Dave.

Total: 0 points

DEDEKER: I knew from the very beginning that Dedeker was an interesting, strange character. This woman is polyamorous. I’m not even going to pretend I know what that’s all about. All I know is she is involved with three different people and she swings both ways. (+20 points for that uniqueness) She also likes being nude and skinnydipping, which is a pretty normal and frequent thing for her. (+10 points) Here’s where she lost me: when Amanda revealed her pregnancy to the group, Dedeker asked her “how much pregnant?” (-15 points because that’s just stupid. Stupid!) I’m also going to award myself 30 honorary points for spelling her name correctly.

Total: 15 points

Hex_bow.jpgHEX: Ok, I will probably be a little biased with Hex: she’s my favorite. Leave me alone. My blog, my rules. She is six feet tall and “180 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal.” (+20 points) She can hit the bullseye with a bow and arrow. (+25 points because everyone loves Katniss) Hex had to leave briefly on day 2 due to excessive alcohol consumption (-5 points for vomit), but she came back to Utopia and didn’t whine about having to go to the hospital. (+5 points) She isn’t one to mince words and is one tough cookie, just as I suspected she would be. During the whole drunken drama with Josh, she didn’t back down and even called him ignorant and threatened to tear his throat out. (DAMN, GIRL! +15 POINTS!!) Special thanks to @Great_Scott33 for this awesome screenshot of the wonderful Katniss Hex.

Total: 60 points

JONATHAN: Jonathan is a goodhearted guy and I truly believe he wants to do right by the other Utopians by being their spiritual guide. (+10 points) However, not everyone shares his faith and he is a little too over the top with it at times. (-5 points) He hasn’t really been that noticeable to me yet. I fear that his religion is going to become a focus at some point and when that time comes I am going to deduct major points. I have yet to see any real drama from Jonathan either. I don’t expect there to be much. He’s a pretty “weak” character as far as I am concerned. Nice guy, but that’s about it. Yawn.

Total: 5 points

JOSH: This guy is why you should buy the feeds! Night one, Josh got so stupid drunk that he was causing all kinds of drama with the other pioneers. (+20 points because drunks are FUN!) He even harassed Amanda and the other ladies and made them feel pretty uncomfortable. (-5 points) Listening to him drunkenly slur his speech was SO entertaining to witness. (+10 points) Also, he didn’t look too bad in those boxer briefs! (+10 points) I can’t wait until his probationary period is over and he can have alcohol again. He totally can’t handle his liquor and really gets fun to watch!

Total: 35 points

MIKE: Our Manhattan attorney Mike says that he is “more of a thought leader than a workhorse.” Translation: Mike isn’t gonna be doing too much physical labor but is going to be big on making his ideas known. (-5 points) However, he took charge with the whole Josh transgression and got everyone to vote on whether or not to keep him. (+20 points because democracy, baby!) I look forward to seeing Mike get involved as Utopia continues to evolve. He will play a huge role in the whole process of government.

Total: 15 points

NIKKI: Nikki is a doctor and a yoga instructor. I’m having flashbacks of Elissa Reilly Slater. Noooooooooo! Her Utopia would be called “Lovetopia.” (-10 points for that display of foolishness) She is interested in tantric sex and is currently looking for a partner. (+15 points because sex, duh) Nikki hasn’t really done much so far. Maybe that will change. Can we at least see some drama from her? Catfight, anyone? This whole peaceful Kumbaya schtick isn’t fooling anyone. I want to see the claws come out! Right now, she isn’t really on my radar. She’s kinda pretentious and that annoys the hell out of me. But as far as the two episodes that have aired on FOX, she hasn’t really brought much in the way of entertainment. What a bore.

Total: 5 points

RED: This is one hotheaded hillbilly, to say the very least. While it is entertaining listening to a toothless Red try utopia_red_moonshine.jpgand speak (+25 points), he is a leech on the new Utopian society. He doesn’t want to pull his weight putting in work, yet he “deserves” an “equal” amount of the money. And by equal amount, I mean he tries to take a larger slice of the pie than everyone else. (-15 points for the Utopian State of Freedom Laziness) He has threatened to walk out the gate a few times but has never followed through with it. I believe Red is a rabid chihuahua, he’s gonna make a lot of noise and act out, but I really don’t think he will actually do anything past that, except maybe foam at the mouth a little. Oh, and while we are on the subject of Red’s mouth, I will give 500 points to whomever whittles this guy some teeth. Seriously. It’s bugging the crap out of me.

Total: 10 points

ROB: I formed the opinion that Rob was gonna suffer from “little man” syndrome and was going to be a loudmouth guy who liked to try and argue and pick fights just to assert his manhood. I haven’t really seen that from him – that’s more of Red’s thing so far. (+20 points for proving me wrong) I also liked how he told Bella to STFU at Josh’s “trial.” He totally said what we all want to every time that blasted psycho opens her mouth.  (+15 points)

Total: 35 points

That’s it for my first Utopia power rankings blog! Do you agree or disagree with anything or want to add something? Let me know in the comments below!

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Vince

A self-described TV junkie, Vince loves a wide assortment of shows, including reality series such as Big Brother US, Big Brother Canada, The Amazing Race, Survivor, RuPaul's Drag Race, Celebrity Apprentice and other shows such as American Horror Story, the Netflix hit Orange is the New Black and much more! Vince is thrilled to be a part of Your Reality Recaps as a blogger for Big Brother, RuPaul's Drag Race, Celebrity Apprentice and Hell's Kitchen! Be sure to follow him on Twitter for all his snark and reality TV tweets!

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