Three weeks down, only forty-nine more to go! FOX’s newest reality series Utopia just wrapped up its seventh episode and we have yet another newcomer to the cast. It’s hard to believe that we have already had two people to “self-evict.” (Pardon the Big Brother lingo… I don’t know what you would call that on Utopia.) This time, we have Ernesto joining the cast. He is the replacement for Pastor Jonathan, who had to leave due to the need for surgery on his broken thumb.
ERNESTO is a 39-year-old widowed contractor who comes to us from Oceanside, California. According to his bio on the Utopia website (which you can visit here), his skillset includes plumbing, heating and A/C, building, hunting and cooking. Talk about a jack-of-all-trades. He is also most likely to “overthrow Aaron as the food czar.” YES! I can’t stand Aaron! If Ernesto manages to overthrow Aaron at all, I will be jumping for joy. Ernesto’s utopia is “dictator-free and bloomin’ with potential love.” Expressed in emojis, Ernesto’s would include the peace sign, worship hands, and the sparkling heart. He’s one of those peaceful “I love you man” types. I’m currently taking bets on how long it’s gonna take him to lose his temper and go off on someone… hopefully Aaron.
OK, now that we have the obligatory introduction out of the way, on to the main event: this week’s power rankings!
AARON: This guy is coming across as a total pig jerk. OK, he isn’t just coming across that way, HE IS A TOTAL PIG JERK. I’m not even gonna front on this: I don’t like Aaron at all. Never have, probably never will. His behavior, especially towards Bella, is unnecessarily mean-spirited and borderline bullying. I generally hate the use of the word “bullying” because I feel it is overused. But that’s what Aaron’s behavior is starting to become. Case in point: Bella mentioned something about her (and the other ladies) needing certain hygiene products. Aaron, being the gentleman that he is, said that this is a personal problem and the group shouldn’t have to use its funds for those products. Like I said, he is a jerk and a sexist and I really do not see what he contributes to the group besides being a cook and also his failed first attempt at a Utopian boot camp to bring in money. (-20 points)
Later on, he did apologize to Bella for his behavior, but I really have my doubts as to how sincere that apology was. (+5 points)
Total: -15 points
AMANDA: First off, I have to pay a little respect to Amanda for coming to Bella’s defense in Tuesday’s episode. While Bella drives me completely, certifiably insane (just like her), it does seem as though the others kinda pick on her too much. While it makes for good feeds and is very entertaining (I giggle at her misfortune), it is a little mean-spirited. Amanda admits that Bella is very weird (understatement of the century), but also says that she is a good person and not trying to hurt anyone. I can totally understand and agree with that. (+10 points)
In Friday’s episode, Amanda made a statement about Red and I think she pretty much got it spot on. In reference to Red’s antisocial behavior and his desire to start a “revolution” and secede from the rest of the Utopians, she said that Red wants to be a leader but never wants to follow. If he doesn’t get his way, he wants to immediately rebel against the group. He wants to just be in charge, without considering the needs of the rest of the group. I agree with her 100% and am glad she was able to read him so well. (+10 points)
Total: 20 points
BELLA: Right off the bat, Bella is losing points for bringing up the fact that the women need pads for their periods. GROSS GROSS GROSS. *covers ears* (-10 points) I know its something all women go through but dammit I was eating when she brought this up and I suddenly lost my appetite. Thanks. Anyway, I’m going to be nice and give her some points right back because she told Aaron to “kiss mah grits!” (+25 points) Major eye roll as she has her regular meltdown, this time because her precious, beloved water filter was returned to sender. The way Bella acts, you would think someone close to her died or something. She is so over-the-top emotional!
After Ernesto made his entrance to Utopia, he and Bella sat down and had a rather touching and somewhat emotional conversation. He confided in Bella that his wife of seventeen years actually passed away from a heart attack about a year ago. He admitted that he had struggled with it and came to Utopia as a way of moving on with his life and doing something. She hugged him and assured him that he has nothing to prove to the group and that he is a welcome addition. I was shocked. This was a very rare moment where Bella acted normal and sane! Wow. I was glad she and Ernesto had this talk. (+10 points)
Total: 25 points
BRI: Bri is such an entitled princess and I can’t stand people like that. There is so much that needs to be done around Utopia to get the place liveable, and Bri would much rather sleep in while everyone else is up and about at the butt crack of dawn getting chores done. People like that really rub me the wrong way. Bri and I would not get along well in real life. (-10 points)
SHOCKER! Friday’s episode rolls around and once again, Bri is sleeping in and not helping out while the others are already getting a start on the day’s work. I really cannot with her. She is useless to this group and needs to go ahead and be voted out. She’s pathetic. (-10 points) And to add salt to the wound, Bri (a supposed veterinary aide), is cutting back food rations for one of the pregnant cows. Really? REALLY, BRI? She’s either stupid or really, really cruel. I’m guessing a little of both. (-20 points)
Total: -40 points
CHRIS: Ok, what has this guy done this week? Except for be involved with Bri? If he doesn’t stop that, I will start deducting points. This week he doesn’t get rated .He hasn’t contributed anything.
Total: 0 points
DEDEKER: I don’t really have anything against Dedeker at all. She seems nice enough. But she really didn’t make much of an appearance in the two episodes this week. It’s rather hard to rate someone when there isn’t much to base it on.
Total: 0 points
ERNESTO: The newest guy to Utopia, Ernesto, has already started off on a positive note. He helped install Bella’s precious, beloved water filter and now everyone has fresh, clean water to drink. Even more importantly, Bella can finally STFU about her stupid water filter! On behalf of everyone in America, we thank you Ernesto. That’s one less thing she has to whine about. (+20 points) As Kristen and Hex were asking questions of the men in preparation for the auction of the men of Utopia, Hex asked Ernesto what his hobbies are. His response? “Laying pipe.” LOL! This guy is funny as hell! (+15 points) I expect Ernesto will continue to be a good fit with the group. He has a sense of humor, a strong work ethic, and a desire to get along harmoniously with others.
Total: 35 points
HEX: An early favorite of mine, Hex is starting to kinda lose some of her spark. The reason? She is spending way too much time cuddling and making out with and flirting with Taylor. While I am a total Tex shipper, I don’t want this to be the only thing that defines the two. I need Hex to still be fierce, kicking ass and taking names. If she’s constantly got her tongue down Taylor’s throat, it’s gonna be kinda hard to do that. Get it together, girl. (-5 points)
A moment I enjoyed was when Hex was giving archery lessons and was teaching Taylor how to shoot an arrow. Of course, she hits the target and he misses it by a long shot. How embarrassing for you, Taylor. (+15 points)
Hex did go outside and coax Bella back into the barn after she went outside without any pants on and was going to sleep in the elements. Bella really went off the deep end, but I really like that Hex gave a damn about her and convinced her to come back inside. (+10 points)
Total: 20 points
JOSH: I really liked it when Josh pulled Aaron (jerk) aside and said he really needs to be nicer to Bella. He explains that Bella is a good person and really has a hard time being social with other people and also struggles with conflicts. He suggests that Aaron be a little more gentle with Bella. (You have to handle the crazies with complete caution.) I really admire that he stuck up for Bella, just as Amanda did. (+15 points) I also like that Josh has started “Shorty short Sundays” where he wears those short green shorts. LOL! (+5 points)
Total: 20 points
KRISTEN: While Kristen the “entrepreneur” did play a role in organizing the relatively successful “Utopian Experience” as way to bring much needed income to the Utopians (+10 points), I feel that she is taking too much of the credit for herself. It’s not as though she singlehandedly saved them all from extinction. It was a group effort. (-5 points)
Total: 5 points
MIKE: Major LOL moment as “Hairly Legal” Mike decides to return B.S.B.’s water filter while she’s busy being naked in the waterfall. He also decides to stage a rather hilarious “theatrical” performance to let Bella know she ain’t getting that filter. HEAR YE! HEAR YE! Let the meltdown commence in 3… 2… 1… (+30 points)
In Friday’s episode, Mike made a comment about Bella that really bothered me. He and Red were talking about Bella and how she would probably want all organic foods in addition to her water filter. Mike then made the comment “Just die already.” That was really low of him and even though I have a love-to-hate relationship with Bella, wishing death on her is way out of line. (-20 points)
Total: 10 points
NIKKI: Go, Nikki for suggesting “The Utopia Experience” as a way to bring income to the group, as opposed to just yoga or Aaron’s stupid boot camp. (+10 points). That being said, Nikki is still rather boring to me.
Total: 10 points
RED: Something happened with Red that I never thought I would have seen: he was doing yoga with Nikki! That was pretty hilarious to witness. He managed to contort his body into some weird pretzel shape that I did not know was possible. (+10 points) Red’s wife and son traveled all the way from Kentucky to visit him at Utopia. Jennifer and Jacob received a warm reception from the other pioneers. Red, being the horny old man that he is, wasted no time in taking Jennifer under the barn for a little ummm… private time. LOL! (+20 points) I gotta say, though, that Red’s and Jennifer’s relationship is kinda cute. They seem to really love each other. OK, now on to the negative. The women are running Utopia for the time being, and the chores have been divided up amongst the pioneers. Bri is sleeping in while everyone else is working and Red wants to go straighten her out. Personally, I wish he had gotten the chance to. Anyway, Bella puts the kibosh on that really quick and says that she wants the women to deal with Bri their own way. This sends the hothead Red (hey, that rhymed) into a tailspin. He runs around the place shouting and making a scene. He is so unpredictable and is a ticking time bomb. Very entertaining, but he’s a major hindrance to the group. (-10 points)
On Friday’s show, Red was acting all mad/depressed that he is not allowed to make any decisions or take on any responsibilities with the group. I wonder why, Red? If you didn’t act so antisocial and behave like a loose cannon, people would trust you more! Instead, you fly into a rage over the pettiest stuff! Cool your jets! Red needs to be able to follow directions and work for the good of the entire group instead of being a total baby whenever he doesn’t get what he wants. (-10 points)
Total: 10 points
ROB: When the men chimed in with their thoughts on the women running Utopia, Rob said that women are more emotional than men. THIS, coming from the guy that bawled his eyes out when Pastor Jonathan left, someone whom he had known for only a couple weeks. Just a tad bit hypocritical there, Rob. (-5 points) He goes on to make a comment about how he is interested to see how this “tampon party” with the women works out. Seriously. What a douchebag. His true colors just showed a little bit with that remark. (-10 points) Later on in the episode, Rob gives a little speech on how he is embarrassed that no one respects each other there and that they are just trying to make money just to be able to eat instead of progressing their society. He says that there are thousands of people who would love to have the opportunity to be there and they are basically squandering their opportunity. Ding ding ding! He hit the nail on the head with those remarks! Way to motivate them. They needed that fire lit under their asses, to be quite honest. (+25 points)
Total: 10 points
TAYLOR: I am going to say the same thing for Taylor that I did for Hex. I am a total Tex shipper but I do not want this to be all these two are about. (-5 points) Now, on to other things. Taylor did a little streaking in the dark. At least he gave the others a little something to feast their eyes on. Well, maybe not a “little” something. (+10 points)
MAJOR LOL MOMENT HERE: Bella was out and about watering her crop circle garden, when she asked Taylor to help her with the hose. Ummm… why? Is it that hard to control the hose, Bella? Methinks she just wants to help Taylor with his hose. Anyway, moving on. Taylor doesn’t really want to help Bella with the hose. She continues be beg, plead and beseech him for help. He snaps back with “It’s a hose, Bella! My mom could do that! Quit being lazy. It’s a hose, and you’re being lazy.” (+45 points) I lost it. Taylor totally knows that she didn’t really need help with that hose. She’s just thirsty.
Total: 50 points
There you have it. Another week of power rankings done. What did you think? Did your favorite do well in the rankings? Comment below and let me know what your thoughts are!
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